Tearing down walls

I heard this song by Starfield the other day, and the lyrics resonated with what God has been teaching me.  To avoid being uncomfortable, I tend to put on different “faces".  This past semester was very difficult, and I found myself withdrawing from others.  Instead of being vulnerable and reaching out for help, I tried to remain in control and put on a “face” that I was okay.  

It is my desire to fully surrender my life to God, but it’s a scary thing.  Just when I think I’ve given Him everything, there’s something else He puts on my heart to surrender.   I’ve realized I use my shyness as a way to keep others at a distance.  It’s my way to remain safe and avoid being hurt.  God calls us to love others and my tendency to withdraw from people is preventing me from doing this.  I've been learning that I need community with other believers-  I can't do this on my own.  Although it will be difficult to tear down this wall I’ve put up for years, it will be necessary so I can fully serve and love others, and live the life He desires for me.

"Shipwreck"

I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in

I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new

'Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to see
Your life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

You tell me my story
As You sift between the pages
I feel redemption
In the space between each turn

Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more

Break my heart for what breaks yours

When I tell someone I’m in grad school, they usually respond by saying, “It’s great that you are furthering your education- you’re going to be very successful.”

But what is their definition of success?

By the world’s standards, success is defined as securing the “American dream”- acquiring a high-paying job, a comfortable life, and purchasing the nice home with the white picket fence. If this is success, then the PhD is the way to go.

But what if I have a different definition of success?

My idea of success is fulfilling God’s call for my life. He has given me a passion for missions and I believe He speaks to us by placing certain people- even countries- on our hearts. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”. If we have surrendered our lives to God, we know that our desires are from Him. He gives us these desires for a reason, and we need to have faith that He will fulfill them.

So, what does this mean for my future?

I can only take it one day (maybe even one hour!) at a time, trusting that God will lead me in the direction He wants me to go. I have a lot of decisions to make, but if I seek God’s will, He will make the next steps clear. 

At the feet of Jesus

I have wanted to write a blog entry since I’ve returned to the U.S, but I’ve lacked the motivation to do so. Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to process my time in Africa and have realized how difficult it is to put my experience into words. Words don’t do justice to what I experienced. I can’t describe how freeing it is to worship God with singing and dancing (although not very well :) ) during church, and not worry about what others think; or how humbling it is to be loved and served by others who have less than I do. It was a wonderful experience and I hope to go back someday! Although it is difficult to express what I experienced in Gabon, I want to share what God has been teaching me and how He has been challenging me to follow and serve Him.

We tend to measure our significance by what we do. However, God uses a different scale. Our worth as a child of God is not measured by our accomplishments- even if we accomplish great things for Him. Instead, He sometimes calls us to simply “be”. This concept of “being” verses “doing” was near and dear to me during my time in Africa. My health held me back from participating and serving as much as I wanted to. There was very little I could offer when I lacked the energy to do anything. I did a lot of “being” in Africa, and it taught me a lot about myself and what God desires of us. I wrestled with Him a lot during that time, asking why He would allow me to be sick. There was a lot I wanted to experience and accomplish in Africa, but I was unable to do most of it. Although it was difficult for me to stay back at the house while the team was serving, I was able to spend a lot of time with God- in prayer and worship. I gained a greater appreciation of the beauty and peace that comes with spending time with our Savior- without the distraction and worry of meeting everyday expectations. Spending time with Him is never a waste of time in His eyes- even if that time could be spent doing good things.

The concept of “being” is seen in the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42.

“Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village, where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her" .

Jesus does not want us to be busy and distracted by tasks. Instead, we need to focus on loving God and being a disciple for Christ. I’m not saying that He wants us to sit around and do nothing. There are things He wants us to accomplish. He just doesn’t want these things to distract us from what’s important- relationships with other people and bringing glory to Him. It is easy for me to get distracted by my to-do list, as Martha did in the passage. I tend to get caught up in the task itself, and forget that we should be doing everything for one reason- to glorify God. God has been teaching me the importance of putting my to-do list aside, and following Him with all my heart.

Although it is still difficult for me to understand God’s purpose for me being sick in Gabon, I do understand that He knows what is best for me. Sometimes we need a wake-up call- and my wake-up call was being sick. He was able to teach me a lot in my weakness. Instead of questioning His motives and demanding a reason for why things happen, I need to put the entirety of my trust in Him.

Living for things unseen

When we pray for God to increase our faith, He puts us in situations in which we need to fully rely on Him. It has been my prayer that my faith would be strengthened. I know my lack of faith holds me back from totally surrendering to God and serving Him.

Hebrews 11:1—“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Faith is a difficult concept for me to grasp. I like things that are predictable. I like to plan. I like to be in control. My desire to control my life reflects my lack of faith.

Faith goes against a lot of what society teaches us. The world tells us to put our trust in things that are proven and concrete. However, these things are only temporary. 2 Corinthians 4:18 says, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Hebrew 11 reminds us that we don’t always see the “results” of our faith. This passage tells the story of a number of important biblical figures and their journey of faith. Many of them never saw God’s promises fulfilled during their lifetime, yet they trusted in God’s will for their lives. They risked their lives, sacrificed comforts, and suffered ridicule- despite the fact they would never see the product of their faith. Sometimes, we just need to trust God- even if it doesn’t make sense by the world’s standards. We need to have faith because that is what He calls us to do- not because we want something in return.

God has answered my prayer. He has put me in a position that requires me to trust Him. We don’t always understand why things happen the way they do. It is difficult for me to understand why He would call me to Gabon and then allow me to be sick. Sometimes we don’t know why He does things- and we may never know. Although it may not be clear to us now, everything happens for a reason- we just need to have faith.

I have been learning a lot about faith from the Gabonese. They are on fire for Christ and it is apparent that their sole desire is to bring glory to God. It has been encouraging to me to meet so many believers who are living out their faith- not just on Sundays- but everyday. Their joy is contagious. Their lives are a reflection of Christ, and they have challenged me to live with a greater passion for Christ. I am so grateful for the chance to come to Gabon. God has been teaching me so much about Himself through the people here!

Just when I start to think I have surrendered everything to God, He reminds me that I am far from completely surrendering my life to Him.  As I am thousands of miles away from home, I am realizing how much of my life is spent trying to be comfortable. God doesn't call us to be comfortable.  Instead, He calls us to take risks so we may glorify Him. 

Here in Gabon, I am far from comfortable.  I can't rely on my own strength.  I have been learning to seek God instead of the comforts of this world.  As difficult as it is, I am glad to be uncomfortable.  It has helped me to realize that I am not in control of my life. 

I haven't been feeeling the greatest lately.  Just when I start to think I have everything in control, I am quickly reminded that this is not the case.  It has been frusturating that I have felt sick, but it is completely out of my hands.  I went to a local medical clinic to be checked out by one of the nurses.  After listening to me explain my symptoms, the nurse said, "It will all be okay.  You have Christ- and that is all you need".  This wasn't the answer I expected to hear, but I was reminded that even when life is hard, God is the same and He is all I need.  I can enter "uncomfortable" situations with the comfort of knowing that He is in control. 

Trip to Bongolo Hospital

Bongolo Hospital was greater than I expected.

After traveling more than 10 hours on unpaved roads and surviving a few driving mishaps, we made it safely to the hospital in the middle of the jungle.  The scenery was beautiful:  a raging river, palm trees, and exotic flowers were in abundance.  The bugs were also bigger!  Within the first 10 minutes of being there, we saw a beetle that was the size of my cell phone...thankfully, that was the only giant beetle we saw!

We took a tour of the hospital and it was awesome to be there.  I had heard so much about this ministry before, so I was excited to see everything for myself.  The hospital was comprised of a number of different units- pediatrics, HIV/AIDS, opthamology, maternity, dentistry, ect.  We had the opportunity to meet a number of missionaries who worked as nurses and doctors in the hospital.   I enjoyed hearing their stories and learning more about what the life of a medical missionary entails.

We visited some of the patients in the hospital.  We visited an infant who was born with dysfunctional kidneys.  The hospital is unable to perform transplants, so there is nothing they can do for her.  Our group prayed for the child and her family, and my heart was filled with sadness for this family.  Once again, I gained an appreciation for the health care I have at home- I take so much for granted!

God is doing amazing things through Bongolo Hospital.  This is pretty much the only hospital in the country, so people will travel days to get there.  The Gospel is preached openly to the patients, and thousands accept the Lord every year! 

When it came time to leave, It was hard to go.  I would love to stay there for a longer period of time to witness more of what God is doing there.   He is doing amazing things in Gabon, and I am so humbled and excited to see it firsthand!

A whole new world

After more than 30 hours of traveling, I finally made it to Africa.  The flights were long and exhausting, but I was excited to finally be going to Gabon.

When I got off the plane, I immediately realized I was in a different world.  The humidity was stifling, and I started sweating instantly.  We had no problem getting through customs, and it was only minutes until we had our luggage and were driving in the van to our new home for the summer.

I have spent this past week processing my thoughts.  Everything here is different.  The climate, smell, language, food, and culture is totally new to me. 

Over the past few days, we have been visiting the various ministry sites in the area.  Driving to the sites is an adventure in itself!  We have visited the Hope House (orphanage), the mobile health clinics, and a missions school.  The one day, we went to a small village to help with a church plant.  We helped clear an area of weeds with machetes (a new experience...I was relieved that I didn't see any large bugs in the weeds!).  As we were working, a group of kids from the village approached us.  As a sat on the ground, a few of the girls played with my hair and then another jumped on my back.  It was great playing with the kids, but I was saddened that many of them were not of the best health.  We had chicken-on-a-stick (a Gabonese favorite) for lunch, and gave some to the children.  They ate every last piece- even the bone.  I had learned about malnutrition in many of my classes, but seeing it in person is much different.  It is hard for me not to feel guilty- why is it that I have so much and they have so little?

Although I have only been here a  week, my perspective has already changed.  It has been humbling to interact with people who have much less than I do, and to be served and loved by them.  I have a greater appreciation for the blessings God has given me.  It is a totally different way of life here.  I am trying to learn as much as I can and not be overwhelmed by the differences. 

We will travel to the Bongolo Hospital on Tuesday.  The trip is about 12 hours long and the roads will make the trip very interesting.  Pray for a safe trip, and that the van will survie the rugged roads in Africa.  Also, please pray that I wouldn't be overwhelmed by the "newness" of everything.  I am starting to adjust, but it is a lot to process.  Thanks for your prayers :)